Monday, 30 May 2016

Job Vs My Truth

Tonight on Jake's Showcase my video "Typical Tuesday in London Ontario With Me" is at 995 Views 67 Likes 21 Dislikes.
I had promised family to leave the city if no job was obtained by June 1, tonight being very late May 30, one day left. But there's a problem.
So I interviewed one job pays minimum wage and the other 0.15 more. The more established company will only give less then half time work. But the worst part's all manual labor.
I know historically the Irish have been the manual mules to dig the ditches, farms the fields, build the gullys and dams...really the low class of society. Now on the one hand you know that my aspirations are for a realm far beyond it, really a whole new dimension, it is my body that cannot do it.
Remember I have a bulging disc in my back and when the job was fully described to me today I realized I would not be able to preform this job for any length of time pain free.
This is so hard to tell my family....I finally may have got a job...but I can't do it. The mark of a "man" in my family, in the Irish history and in many ways human history is that the man is strong, he can do, he can build, he can lift. A strong powerful man, this is a man. Yet I cannot.
When I was younger, this size disadvantage pounded me with the social reinforcement that I was a weakling, runt, midget, because of my growth. But now at least since I've injured my back almost 2 years ago it's a new problem. When I lift, with any time or consistency, I'm in pain then and that night.
I'm still dealing with this. So what do I do, how do I explain this.
And really my gifts of personality, making people smile, talking....but I'm incapable of doing what "men" do.
My grandfather was a great farmer, the other grandfather a steady delivery driver who excelled in sales for taskykake. Both lifted an hauled again and again, the farmer by far the more physical, but both physically exhausted at days end.
Even my father, a steady laborer and tradesman, in line with the Irish ways. But me, now what, I can't do it, and how do I say again, "but I just can't do it" and for it to be ok.
Even the doctor had said to me and wrote down I needed an office job. Not retail, not warehouse, not yard office job. I'm trained for that anyway. But none are coming or have come.
And don't forget it performance, videos, tv, movies this is my true love and really what I think I'm best at anyway. Do I take the job I know I'll be re-injured at out of desperation again. Isn't your health your wealth....I have to remember that...I have to stay healthy to the best I can.
And you should see the looks of these managers, as soon as they see me, you can see in there eyes, "your not hired" instantly as soon as they recognize me. I'm a symbol. It's like "oh my god it's him".
12-20 hours a week of hauling doesn't get it done money wise either. Oh God what a bad situation.
I could be in for a very bad and impoverished summer...why because I'm not a man and not strong enough, steady framed enough for a Irish man's job....think about the history.
Do I move. It's just not happening here. Give up. I can't hurt myself, that's a terrible choice. I can't agree to hurt myself.
And lovers, you're with me every night....caress me.
Love me,
Have a Wonderful Day or Night Fans,
Jake Johnston

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